My testimony:
Hi everyone. God has really convicted me today and has helped me to open my eyes. I have really been struggling lately. bare with me for a minute in what i am saying, the end gets to an understanding point.
ok, I have to work really hard to be the person that i am, as in, it takes a lot of effort on my part to do what i do. To give you an idea, my parents got a divorce when i was in like 2nd grade. my dad was very manipulative, emotionally abusive, and always out for himself. He completely left my life for most of my childhood and all of my teen years, to say the least, i came out pretty damaged, not to mention all the other bad choices i made growing up. i started smoking in 6th grade, and pot came shortly after, mostly i dabbled, but that was the crowd i surrounded myself in most of my life. They “accepted” me. I was always kind of awkward, i was referred to as a black sheep a lot,
mostly cause i was on a journey to find out who i was, i just didn’t know, and was lost. So, i came out of all that picking up most of my dad’s less than approving qualities. Which means, i can almost always get what i want, and make people think what ever i want. also, i am very good at completely walking away from people without thinking twice… I am not so good at lying, but i do it anyway because it is easier than telling the truth, i was a shoplifter until i got caught, then was scared to do it after, only because i was afraid of getting in trouble. i started drinking in 7th grade, at one of the many parties at my own home… that happened from the time i was in 6th-7th grade until i
moved out at 18. We had the “best” parties, my alcoholic step-dad bought us alcohol, and me cigarettes, and he would do shots with us all night long. i thought being with an alcoholic, drug addict, who spent more time having fun than being responsible was normal. I was the one laughing at the girls that went to church 2-3 times a week, and were the first to be naked at a party on Friday night, i didn’t want a God like that. What use would i have for that life. i was just fine where i was. My friends and I would use bible pages to roll joints… and laugh about it. I was as far away from God as a person could get. I was in my first abusive relationship when i was 17, the guy had been stalking be
since 15, and i use the word stalking because he was 25 when we started dating. he got me drunk and stole my virginity, and i just kept going, after a year and a half i wanted to mess around with another guy because he was cute and giving me attention, so i left a note at my bf house and left his key to break up with him, and never thought twice about it. the boy i broke up with him for was my age, and lived in Chicago, and me in Missouri, so of course, i took a road trip to see him. we slept together the entire week i was there. a few months later he moved all the way to Missouri, in part because of his dad, but mostly for me. I decided he was too annoying after he moved there, so i stopped calling him, then there was the guy that was stealing my money and wouldn’t leave my house. I broke up with him as i was dropping him off for work. the next guy i had gone back and forth with but he wouldn’t invest enough time with me, so then i got engaged with someone else (Eric). Eric and I were engaged in January of 2003. he was deployed to the war at the time and didn’t get stateside until may. between Jan and may i met a guy, and he was so cute, and made me feel special, while i never actually gave it ALL up, i might as well have, and my heart was there, and the bible says, if it is in your heart, your actions are irrelevant. It was a struggle to stop, but i knew i had to, because i still wanted to leave my home town, and Eric was my key. so he came and picked me up, we had sex right away, cause well, that is what you did to make a man happy, right? oh, forgot to mention, December of 02 i became a christian about a week after Eric asked if i believed in God. i went with my atheist best friend for free breakfast. so even though i was cheating on Eric while we were in deployment limbo, i was going to church every day soaking up what the preacher was saying about god. so he gets here, and we get baptized, then head off into the sunset. we were married in December because that was when we could fit it in, the week after we got back from getting married ( no honeymoon) i ended up with a stress headache that spread down my back, and i was out for over a month. so that was the beginning of our wedding bliss.. i didn’t tell Eric about Joel ( the guy) until i was pregnant with Elli, he was already pretty invested by then… and we had already been through his DUI, where my biggest concern was that no one got hurt, i didn’t even mention the fact that before he left i asked him to not drink and drive 3 times. anyway, not about him, but that does bring in my “perfect man” with the alcoholism, and after the DUI we completely stopped drinking and have been sober since. so along with the story, the month after we moved to Hawaii my mom got us tickets to audio adrenaline for our birthdays, and during that concert my life completely changed, i finally let go, and gave my life to God, i didn’t know it then, but i finally made the choice to follow him. (insert here the revealing of the adultery) . we worked through it, Eric tried to make me feel better, but over the years of talking about it, he finally admitted that he feels that i did cheat on him, and it did count even though he wasn’t here, i had always felt that way, but he kept telling me different to spare my feelings, so in Hawaii we began growing with Jesus, learning his importance and learning to give our time and worship god with our money and every aspect of our life, looking back, we were on a good journey, but we were still so far off. it was great growth, and in getting out of the military and moving out here was done out of trying to follow god’s will, which i think we are completely in line with here. God has really grown us since being here. We found Livermore Alive from the internet, and since doing the tangible kingdom and being around the amazing people here, God has put me into a position to rely on him and walk me through it. the weight, the changes in my life, the love i can share, i have learned over my short life, i am so broken and beaten down, i have nothing to offer, and am not worth the time. But with God, He makes me worthy, he puts value in my life, He has taken my talent of manipulation, and turned it into a voice of truth, and allowing me to be assertive and stand firm in his truth, i still struggle with it, it breaks my heart when people i love are angry with me saying something “truthful” that hurt them. i am still learning to use the gift. he has taken my detached heart, and helped me to be able to see people and know that their actions aren’t their fault, today learning , that i think i do know how to love people even through their actions, i can separate the 2, my lies have turned to truth, the thought of deceit or stealing terrifies me. I know that i am one choice away from having my entire life fall apart, that i hold on as tight as i can to god, because i know the only reason i have what i have is because he has given it to me. on a side note, the week Eric got a DUI our house was broken into and i had all of my electronics and all of my jewelry stolen. talk about retribution for being a thief. but god has taught me that what he gives he will take away if i don’t use it for him. my fear of sin ruling my life keeps me on the straight line i travel. and i am in no way perfect. i am walking on this road next to you, stumbling on the way. and there is so much more to my story, but i feel like i can stop here. I just hope that when you look at me, you can see me, and see what god and Jesus have done for me. I am who i am because of them. not anything i have done myself, and i promise i wouldn’t be telling you my dirt if i wanted you to look at me. this is my shame, my dirty embarrassing don’t look at me shame. but Jesus has dusted me off, washed me and picked me back up, and he says i can walk with him. That he thinks that he did good, and i am worthy of love. that i can be in his family, and he will put me in a place where i can share my life with others, so my life can glorify him. so the point of this way to long story is, i am no different than you. I don’t have it all together, and i am learning with you. i have never read the whole bible, i don’t pray every day. before moving here, i almost never prayed out loud, i have only begun doing it because god says i have to. i would much rather someone else. God hasn’t given me a gift of prayer, but i am learning, and it gets easier every time. i was the girl growing up, that if i were in that situation, i would say no, and my prayers are hilariously short, i screw up, i do actually say bad words some time, i try not to, i do believe that god says as Christians, when people look at us, they should see something different, i try to be that, at least i am working on it. thanks for listening.
So in short, I am a liar, thief, adulterer, impure, i cheat, am selfish, prideful, abused, broken, I gossip, judge, treat people like they hold no value, and as long as i feel good, everything is fine, regardless of those around me.
BUT, as my flesh is all of those things, i have the spirit of God, and he has washed me clean from all of my sins. Everything that separates me from God, Jesus cleared with His blood.
linsey